Psychotherapist, Consultant, Speaker
Quick Read of the Month - December, 2022
Take a Breath, Prepare to Dive In, Remember Why
With the holiday season underway the need for many folks to brace themselves for difficult interactions increases as they plan time with family. This is often a conversation my clients have in therapy as they navigate the need for connection with protecting themselves from ongoing relationship stress or wounds.
Navigating Time with Family During the Holidays
Over the years during the holiday season the scene in my office is the same - a client begins by expressing increased anxiety, reflecting on the years of evidence that justifies their frustration, eventually fighting back tears that their true longing for meaningful connection or healed experience with the family of their childhood will not likely happen.
It's a slippery slope - longing for love, affirmation, connection with your loved ones - yet also trying to protect yourself from shame, gaslighting, and the array of relationship wounds that likely started when you were a child.
This unfulfilled longing is hard to give up because it is natural - humans are born for attachment. When left unfulfilled it can leave us feeling empty, even confused about our worth and identity. Our sense of who we are as a person is initially confirmed and reflected back to us by the first people in our lives - and surprisingly, stays with us often for our lifetime. That's why holiday gatherings carry such weight - we're always taking that initial longing to the gathering with us. It's rolling around deep inside, driving many of our feelings and behaviors even before the gathering begins. The longing is even why we'll subject ourselves to the risk of more harm. Plus, we love these people! Consider the following thoughts on how to navigate this tender and important part of your life. Take a breath, prepare to dive in, remember why.
* Be clear with yourself about why you're willing to participate knowing the emotional risks:
Perhaps it's your value system - you've decided to connect out of your love for them rather than your longing to be loved differently by them.
Maybe you feel obligated to meet your family's expectations. That's okay, too, if it's part of your own value system. Just know that meeting expectations without receiving anything in return can result in its own set of uncomfortable feelings. In order to meet their expectation, you might have to adjust yours.
* Understand and accept your loved ones' limitations:
It can be hard to accept, but our loved ones may have limitations in their own development. Typically, these limitations are not specific to just us - it's across the board for this person. While that doesn't change the hurtful effects of the the relationship we have, it can sometimes help you step back from the personal "sting" of the ongoing struggle.
* Know that setting boundaries are okay and important to set:
Sometimes the family member in question might not even know their behavior is hurtful to you. Setting a boundary might sound like you explaining how the behavior makes you feel and asking them to reconsider how they interact with you.
* Consider limiting the time you spend in holiday gatherings:
Only you know how much you can endure emotionally in a given setting. Perhaps you can honor your own value system to gather gracefully while also limiting the time involved as a way to honor your need to emotionally protect yourself.
* Discuss with a trusted person (friend, therapist, clergy) any feelings these potential gatherings evoke:
Having an honest conversation about your concerns can help you clarify what you need and what you're willing and able to endure in order to connect with family during the holiday time - or any time.
* Make space for the grief that comes with unfulfilled longings:
Regardless of how you decide to navigate holiday gatherings, if you've longed for meaningful connection with loved ones who are unable or unwilling to reciprocate, it will feel like significant loss. Loss is hard yet an inevitable part of life. Grief is often a measure of those values I've mentioned or the love you have for someone. Learning to allow those feelings is part of this thing we call humanity.
If you are fortunate to have your longing for loving attachment honored by your family, soak it in. If your family has struggled to build and maintain secure, loving connection, I understand how painful that can be. Just know your longing is a measure of heart, not worth. It's a good and accurate measure. Longing for connecting with others is a sign of your good heart.
Whether with family of origin or family of choice, I hope your holiday gatherings are peaceful.
– L. Chris Cannida, MS, LPC
** As always, if you are having thoughts of suicide or self-harm, please call the National Suicide Hotline at
1-800-273-8255 or visit www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org and click "Chat" **
Life can unfold in unexpected ways, leaving us with much emotional pain. There are negative patterns that develop which can be altered for the better if we know where to look. Because of that, I am always searching for material that might help in someone's healing journey. If you're interested in reading more on ways to heal from shame, recover from relational wounds, and improve your overall quality of life, check out what's on my bookshelf.
Currently On My Bookshelf:
Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity, Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D. - a great read for anyone affected by infidelity.
Helping Her Heal, Douglas Weiss, Ph.D. - When your spouse has decided to move toward forgiveness and reconciliation after a betrayal at your hand, knowing how to support her (or him) can play a powerful part in healing for the relationship. This book can give you much needed guidance.
Grateful for the Fight: Using Inner Conflict to Transform Yourself and Your Relationships, Viola Neufeld - Find out how you can address the conflicts within yourself to achieve personal growth and improve the quality of your relationships.
Just One Thing, Rick Hanson, Ph.D. - Neuroscientist, Dr. Rick Hanson, has compiled 52 exercises for helping us remain mindful and gain peace in our lives.
Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations for a LifeTime of Love, Dr. Sue Johnson - Couples in all stages of their relationship will benefit from reading this book on how to create meaningful attachments.
Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve, Lewis B. Smedes - Learning how to remove the hardness of resentment from our hearts is the most powerful step toward healthy living!
I Thought It Was Just Me, Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame, Brene Brown - Shame is the most difficult human experience we encounter. This book may help you begin healing and free yourself from the burden of shame.
Running On Empty: Overcoming Your Childhood Emotional Neglect, Jonice Webb, Ph.D. - Dr. Webb writes about a powerful, yet often unnoticed adverse childhood effect that leaves many adults wondering why their lives seem to lack meaning, believe they should have accomplished more, or just don't feel right. If you have been wondering why you can be so accomplished in certain areas, yet feel completely unraveled in others, this book might be for you.
Boundaries of the Soul: The Practice of Jung's Psychology, by June Singer, Ph.D. - Having studied the great Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung, June Singer was able to articulate in the most clear way, the underlying essence of one's 'personhood'. Want to know what many therapists hold in awareness as we help you live your best lives? Though quite an undertaking, this book is rich with explanation into what Carl Jung knew to be at the core of our humanness.
Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation, by Parker J. Palmer - a master teacher and leader, Parker Palmer wrote this book about finding the way into our purpose in life. He uses his own journey through depression and vocational confusion as an example of how we create a sense of meaning in our lives.
Where Is God When It Hurts? A Comforting, Healing Guide for Coping with Hard Times, Philip Yancey - This book does a beautiful job of helping us understand the answer to this common question.
The Road Less Travelled, M. Scott Peck - Another classic from my graduate school days. An in-depth and profound look at this journey of being human.
How To Carry What Can't Be Fixed: A Journal for Grief, Megan Devine - Megan is a licensed therapist and has offered an inclusive, beautiful journal that can help anyone moving through the grieving process.