Psychotherapist, Consultant, Speaker
Quick Read of the Month - March, 2025
What Really Happens in Psychotherapy
People go to therapy for many reasons. It has sometimes been called "the talking cure". There is an assumption, and rightly so, that therapy will revolve around conversations about a patient's past. But that's not actually true. Scroll to read more about what really happens in psychotherapy.
Therapy is so much more than just reviewing key moments of your past or even "venting" about your present-day stressors. Psychotherapy is about discovery - discovering important aspects of your self. You explore underlying beliefs and feelings that drive certain of your behaviors. In therapy, rather than acting on difficult feelings, you talk about them with the goal of clearly naming them and understanding what those feelings are trying to tell you about your needs. Once you gain self-awareness, you can begin making better decisions for yourself and improve the quality of your life. Here are a few other things to know about therapy so your experience can be more meaningful for you.
~ Therapy is only about the past inasmuch as it impacts your here-and-now. There are times in therapy where your therapist will want to know something about your past - maybe even all the way back to your childhood - but the goal is not to stay in the past. The goal is to make key connections between your past experiences and how those events shape who you are today. With that understanding you can feel a sense of resolve and clarity which leads to improved decision-making.
~ Creating change through therapy can take time, but not forever. Some people believe that therapists have the intention to keep you coming to therapy forever. This is not true. A seasoned therapist understands that while some change takes longer than a patient would like, the ultimate goal is for the therapist to render themselves no longer needed in order for you to live the life you want. This doesn't mean the therapist will discontinue your therapy sooner than you'd like. Ideally, you and your therapist will work together to determine the needed length of the therapy relationship - always checking in to make sure you're both in agreement about what is happening in the therapy room.
~ Therapy is different than talking with a friend. Talking to a therapist is different than talking to a friend. In therapy you can talk about whatever comes to mind and may not even know in advance what you're going to talk about before the very moment in a session that the thought or feeling arises. A therapist is specially trained to listen differently than a friend - for not just the words you speak, but listening for what you don't say, or what happens with you emotionally as you're speaking the words. Together with the therapist, you will learn what is most important about what comes up and how it can help you make the changes you desire.
- The changes you make from your work in therapy might not be easily accepted by others in your life. Sometimes therapy strengthens our ability to make healthier decisions for ourselves that will affect others. An example might be if you learn to set better boundaries with people in your life that wanted to continue taking advantage of you emotionally. Those people might even discourage you from continuing therapy if your changes make them uncomfortable. If this happens, it's important to discuss these matters with your therapist.
- It's okay to be upset with your therapist. Therapy can stir strong feelings in a person. Sometimes it's because you (the patient) reflect on an event in your life that carries those feelings with it. Sometimes it could be because the therapist is nudging you to think about or feel things that are difficult for you to withstand. A seasoned therapist wants you to feel free to share any and all feelings or thoughts with them - even if its about them!
- Sometimes how you approach your sessions is showing something important about your feelings towards the therapy. There are times you may not feel like going to a scheduled therapy appointment. But, that may also be the most important time to go anyway. Finding yourself wanting to miss your appointments could be a sign that you and your therapist were about to open up a new and important discovery for you. If you feel this hesitance to attend sessions, explore why with your therapist.
- Ending therapy may feel difficult. Knowing when its time to end your therapy is ultimately your decision, but it is one that you can explore with your therapist. Regardless of how long your therapy lasts, having a clear understanding of why and when it's time to end is an important sign of your progress. There can even be a feeling of loss or grief over ending your therapy. That's normal! If you've been working closely with your therapist on important issues, it can feel as if a very intimate part of your life is ending. It can even be tempting to just "ghost" your therapist without a formal closure, but it's important to honor the work you've done by having an official closing session with your therapist.
Therapy doesn't cure or fix every problem a person has in their lives, but for many, it becomes a vital part of making needed changes in how they manage emotions, stress, and relationships. If you're unsure if therapy is right for you, it's okay to have an initial session with a therapist who can help you explore the possibilities.
** As always, if you are having thoughts of suicide or self-harm, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, text 988, or visit www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org and click "Chat" **
Some people like to add reading to their work towards personal growth. Check out a few titles I've come across that some have found helpful.
Currently On My Bookshelf:
Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity, Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D. - an important read for anyone affected by infidelity.
Grateful for the Fight: Using Inner Conflict to Transform Yourself and Your Relationships, Viola Neufeld - Find out how you can address the conflicts within yourself to achieve personal growth and improve the quality of your relationships.
Just One Thing, Rick Hanson, Ph.D. - Neuroscientist, Dr. Rick Hanson, has compiled 52 exercises for helping us remain mindful and gain peace in our lives.
Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations for a LifeTime of Love, Dr. Sue Johnson - Couples in all stages of their relationship will benefit from reading this book on how to create meaningful attachments.
Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve, Lewis B. Smedes - Learning how to remove resentment from our hearts is an important and powerful step toward healthy living!
Running On Empty: Overcoming Your Childhood Emotional Neglect, Jonice Webb, Ph.D. - Dr. Webb writes about a powerful, yet often unnoticed adverse childhood effect that leaves many adults wondering why their lives seem to lack meaning, believe they should have accomplished more, or just don't feel right. If you have been wondering why you can be so accomplished in certain areas, yet feel completely unraveled in others, this book might be for you.
Man's Search for Meaning by Vicktor Frankl, MD - A book birthed from reflecting on his time as a survivor of Auschwitz and other concentration camps, Frankl's book is considered by some a must-read when you find yourself needing to transcend suffering and find meaning in life.
Boundaries of the Soul: The Practice of Jung's Psychology, by June Singer, Ph.D. - Having studied the great Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung, June Singer was able to articulate in the most clear way, the underlying essence of one's 'personhood'. Want to know what many therapists hold in awareness as we help you live your best lives? Though quite an undertaking, this book is rich with explanation into what Carl Jung knew to be at the core of our humanness.
Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation, by Parker J. Palmer - a master teacher and leader, Parker Palmer wrote this book about finding the way into our purpose in life. He uses his own journey through depression and vocational confusion as an example of how we create a sense of meaning in our lives.
Where Is God When It Hurts? A Comforting, Healing Guide for Coping with Hard Times, Philip Yancey - This book does a beautiful job of helping us understand the answer to this common question.
The Road Less Travelled, M. Scott Peck - Another classic from my graduate school days. An in-depth and profound look at this journey of being human.
How To Carry What Can't Be Fixed: A Journal for Grief, Megan Devine - Megan is a licensed therapist and has offered an inclusive, beautiful journal that can help anyone moving through the grieving process.